Sometimes a song says what you can't.

My siblings and I have always shared a love of music, and our taste is wonderfully eclectic, from Motown to New Wave to pop. For sensitive people especially, a song can express or define an emotion in a way our own words never could.

Since I was a child, my sister has made me mix tapes, usually for my birthday and sometimes for an occasion. When I was a young mother, she made me a playlist called Make Things Hum to get me through my housecleaning. It's more than a hobby for her. It's her love language.

So when she found out I was leaving my marriage, of course she made me a playlist.

Listen to "grab your dolls and a sweater" here

It was two hours long, and I believe she meant for me to listen while I packed. Most of the songs and artists were new to me, and yet it captured my mixed emotions, my hurt, my loss, and my grief. I felt so understood. It was like getting a hug from my sister from miles away.

You may not have a sister like mine, so I'd love to share her gift with you. Here are the songs that moved me most, in the order they carried me through.

Part One: Grief and Self-Doubt

"All I Want" by Olivia Rodrigo

This song is a simple, aching plea for love that lasts. It asks the question so many of us whisper after a relationship ends: is there something wrong with me? When a relationship fails, it's normal to start wondering if you're the problem. What I love most is the line about having only yourself at the end of the day, because it's true. The relationship you have with your authentic self is the most important one you'll ever have.

"When Was It Over?" by Sasha Alex Sloan feat. Sam Hunt

Whether you ended the relationship or were blindsided by its ending, you probably found yourself hunting for "the beginning of the end." This duet lists all the small moments when each partner might have realized it wasn't working: the night nobody asked where you'd been, the fight you didn't have, the second time someone said "I'm sorry." If you've been replaying your own list, this song will make you feel less alone.

"Love Without Tragedy / Mother Mary" by Rihanna

A breakup in a nutshell: the boy you loved and the girl of his dreams no longer exist. The line about someone taking the best years of your life hits hard when you've given the better part of your prime to a relationship that didn't last.

"Two Ghosts" by Harry Styles

This song is reportedly about Taylor Swift, which might be a topic for another post. For me, it perfectly captures the strange sensation of seeing someone you once loved and being unable to connect, two ghosts standing where the two of you used to be.

"This Is Me Trying" by Taylor Swift

Evermore is one of my favorite albums. It came out during Covid, and all winter I listened to it front to back as I navigated the end of my marriage. This song speaks to losing your shimmer, to feeling like you were once outstanding but failed to meet other people's expectations. It also owns the regret of words said in anger, which I think is part of the grief too.

Part Two: The Turning Point

"The Divorce Song" by Liz Phair

This is where the playlist begins to shift. Liz Phair has said she wanted to write about the ordinary, in-between moments of a relationship, the small disagreements that feel enormous when you're living inside them. That's exactly what this song does.

"July" by Noah Cyrus

We're still honoring grief here. The narrator offers to pack her bags and let the person find someone who'll love them better, while admitting the exhausting truth of staying with someone who makes you feel you're never enough.

Part Three: Reclaiming Yourself

"Woman" by Kesha

Here the energy turns toward empowerment. It's a celebration of independence, of buying your own things and paying your own bills. After years of building a life with someone, that kind of self-reliance is its own quiet victory.

"The Art of Starting Over" by Demi Lovato

It's honest about the loneliness of new beginnings, but it also offers something I clung to: thank God I got me. You become your own comfort.

"You Know When It's Time to Go" by Taylor Swift

This song is about the many small moments when we realize a situation no longer serves us. It might be a relationship, an overdemanding job, or a one-sided friendship. It encourages you to trust your intuition, because you do know when it's time. Sometimes leaving is the bravest and best choice.

Taylor Swift shows up twice on this playlist, which tells you something about my sister's taste (and mine).

The Ending That Made Me Cry: "Yellow" by Coldplay

"Yellow" is an inside joke between my sister and me. She always said she hated Coldplay, yet in the early 2000s, whenever it came on the radio, she'd ask who sang it because she loved this song.

It seemed like a random way to end a breakup playlist, but to me it was a lifeline. It showed the connection and support I'd had for years. Before any man and after any man, there was, and always will be, my sister, the greatest source of unconditional love in my life.

And if you're feeling down, look up at the stars and see how they shine for you.

If You're Healing Right Now

A few things I learned from this playlist that I hope help you:

• Let the music say what you can't. You don't have to find the words. Someone already did.
• Honor the full arc. Grief, doubt, anger, and empowerment can all show up in one afternoon. Healing isn't a straight line.
• Make (or ask for) your own playlist. Whether it's from a sister, a friend, or yourself, music made with love can feel like a hug.
• Lean on your people. The love that holds you through a breakup is often the love that was there all along.

Listen to my sister’s playlist here

If you're recovering from a breakup and want support releasing the overwhelming memories so you can start moving forward, I'd love to help. Reach out here.